


Love In A Spongeless Place

by cephalopodTriumph



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Crack, Inprisonment, M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Torture, gratuitous references to other fandoms, i think we made person 3 of team s uncomfortable with our saucy paranormal romance, ooc, possibly also crossposted on ffnet somewhere, purposefully flowery descriptions, saucy forbidden romance, so very ooc, written by team shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1604906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cephalopodTriumph/pseuds/cephalopodTriumph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spong the Enforcer has spent his entire life guarding the Sponge People from the evil that is the Starfish Overlord.  But when he is captured against his will, can he survive long enough to find love with his archenemy? Or will the brutal torture he suffers daily break him and doom his people to extinction?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spong the Enforcer

**Author's Note:**

> Alright this is total and utter crack. We started this before bed based on the prompt of "spongy and abhorrent and yellow was he" and it spiraled out of control. It started as a colab, but we made one of the coauthors uncomfortable with the saucy romance, so now it's just whoever wants to contribute. This might also be crossposted at ffnet by one of the other authors, fyi. Warnings for torture of sponges, sponge anatomy, cracky bs, and innapropriate romance between a sponge and a starfish.

Tales of Spong the Enforcer spread through the land like wildfire. His ruthless treatment of friends and foes alike was the stuff of legends. His jaundiced fist was as feared as it was porous. As a guard it was his duty to defend his kingdom from the onslaught of the Starfish Overlord. From the day his parents Sponged him forth, he knew in his amoebocytes that it was his duty, his one true calling. but still he yearned for more in life, more than just absorbent justice. He craved... SQUIRREL BLOOD. The flesh of those that climbed in trees and devoured the embryos of those yet to come... He knew the power he would gain from such consumption would be limitless, and he would finally be able to ascend to Sponge Heaven once he tasted this wicked elixir.  
After a journey of many years, he climbed to stairway to heaven. As he stood on the final step, he raised a limp squirrel carcass to his mouth. Finally… _Finally..._ Suddenly an enormous crash resounded from within the porous, spicule-encrusted gates. A towering pink monster rose above them, dwarfing Spong with his might. Laughing cruelly, the Starfish Overlord raised an enormous arm and smashed the gates to bits. Past the ruins of the entrance, Spong could see the bodies of countless sponges shredded to pieces. The squirrel carcass fell from his unresponsive hand. He did not notice its descent in his anguish. He staggered forward, cradling a fragment of a creature he had sworn, failed to protect. He tilted back his head and unleashed a great howling scream that had not been heard in centuries... the fabled Gypsy Death Moan. As his scream echoed through the halls, the ceiling disappeared and Starfish troops began to rain from the sky.The horrifying sight reflected off his perfect sapphire orbs, nestled gently in the supple yellow flesh of his face, like two saucy gems peeking out of the voluptuous cleavage of some ancient duchess. A single diamondesque tear fell, only to be swiftly absorbed into his skin. Despite the approaching danger, Spong could only stare in sheer desolation at the fallen corpses of his brothers and sisters. He had forgotten however, a simple, yet crucial part of Sponge Biology. The Biology of Sponges. You know, Sponge Anatomy. Even when passed through the finest of sieves, their cells will always manage to reconnect. As the pieces grew back together, the hope returned to Spong’s heart.  
“Yes... _Yes!_ ” He cried, watching the cells join together further and further, a magnificent tower raised towards the surface of the water. And yet, the Starfish Army laughed and laughed. “My brothers!” Spong cried valiantly. “Join me! Join me and fight!” He only barely had time to dodge when a massive fist came smashing down. “No... WHY!” He screamed as the vast Spongebeast raised its fist to strike again.  
“That’s enough!” Boomed a voice from some distance away. Spong turned to see the Overlord striding towards him, clad in magnificent green silk Hawaiian shorts patterned with exotic purple flowers. “He can be our prisoner.”  
“ _YOU_...!” Spong gasped. “I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” He attempted to strike at the Overlord, but was yanked back by a pair of Starfish Guards.  
The Overlord laughed. “Right on one count, Spong the Enforcer.” All around him the starfish cackled and jeered. “I’m afraid you’ll have to come back with us. We may have destroyed your heaven, but the location of your homeland is still unknown. But we should be able to _beat_ it out of you!” He cackled evilly as he motioned for the Starfish Guards to drag Spong away. As he was pulled forcibly from his allies, Spong could see another Starfish Guard approaching the tower of sponge with a can of gasoline and a lighter. What? He thought. And then it came to him. _No… Surely not…_ But it was no use. The Guard doused the base of that magnificent pillar, and then raised his lighter.  
“No,” breathed Spong. “NOOO!” He screamed. The once-glorious and powerful tower of sponge quickly became a hellish inferno, roaring red flames and belching thick black smoke to the unresponsive gods above.  
“Sorry!” The Overlord smirked, not sounding sorry in the least. “Too difficult to control. My Starfish Army can get the job done by themselves.”  
But Spong couldn't even hear him. He was too busy weeping bitter tears of sorrow and regret into the soft white sand beneath him. He couldn't feel the guards dragging him away, or the vicious kicks aimed at him as he stared emptily at the monstrous pyre, watching it grow smaller and smaller. It became a glowing red smudge on the cruel horizon, and then faded into nothing. Or perhaps it was only the tears causing Spong’s vision to fail.


	2. The Nightmare Continues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus. wow. ok. sorry the chapters are so short, idk how long this fic will be

The guards thrust Spong on to a chair in a dimly lit room. Iron bands immediately clamped around his wrists and ankles, locking him to the seat. As soon as he was immobilized, the guards moved a large circular device aimed directly at him. After a maniacal cackle, one of the guards flipped a switch on the machine and it began to glow faintly red. The lightly quickly grew in brightness and intensity, and Spong could feel his skin start to harden and lose its absorbentness.  
“What are you doING??!?” He shrieked. The guard just smirked. Spong howled as flakes began to chip away from his body. They floated softly to land on the grimy floor like a gentle dusting of yellow snow.  
“Hey, not too much.” One of the other guards murmured, flicking the switch again. “We need him alive.”  
“Yeah, but we can have a little fun in the meantime!” The first guard crowed. He lifted a strange instrument from a nearby shelf and brandished it over his head. With a grunt, he thrust it forward until it was pressing against Spong’s chest. He pressed a button on the side and a tube popped out of the front, jabbing through Spong’s fragile endoderm and into the mesoglea. He yanked back a stopper on the back of the device and Spong could feel his precious amoebocytes being sucked out through the hole.  
“Stop...” He gasped. “I can’t...”  
“Oh?” The guard released the pump handle. “Are you going to tell us where your home is?”  
Spong spat in the guard’s face. “Never!” He shouted. On his honor as the member of the Imperial Spongeguard, he would never disclose the location of his home... His family... His precious asexually produced children...  
“Fine then!” The Starfish growled. “We’ll just leave you here. Let’s see how you feel in a few days. The lost amoebocytes will decrease your functions, and now that your skin is dried out, even breathing will be hard for you.” He and the other guard left, slamming the door behind them. Spong heard the click of several locks as his eyesight faded and he slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. Starfish Overlord

The Starfish Overlord sat alone in his office, gloating over the day’s triumphs. The entire sponge heaven wiped out and Spong at his mercy? A very good day indeed. He leaned back slightly in his chair, his obsidian eyes glistening with inappropriate glee. With the yellow Enforcer finally within his grasp, he could move on with his great plan to destroy all of Spongekind. He thought once more of the look on Spong’s face as he witnessed the pyre that had once been his kinsmen, and his smirk widened. But then he remembered the strength in the depths of Spong’s sparkling ocean blue eyes and felt strangely... _entranced_. He shook his head to dispel the unusual thoughts. Spong was his enemy, and most definitely not someone interesting. Perhaps his thoughts were being influenced by the smoke from the pillar of burning sponges…   
The thoughts kept coming. He was about to get up to take a stroll to clear his head when one of the Starfish Guards banged against the solid door of his office.   
“Starfish Overlord, we have begun the torture. Spong has been left to stew in his juices. What should we do now?” Asked the guard.  
“Now we wait.” The overlord stepped out into the hall. “Spong will crack soon enough. Give him just enough food and water to live on, but not enough for him to be comfortable. I can be patient. I have, after all, waited thirty years for a chance like this. I can wait a few more days.” He gestured for the guard to fall into place behind him, and strode down the hall, his giant baggy shorts swirling around his muscled salmon thighs like the world’s ugliest wizard cape. “It’s time to move the second part of the plan into action.”  
Starfish Overlord entered the giant hall (which had been specially constructed to accommodate his massive girth) and gazed down. Below him were legions upon legions of Starfish Troops, each painstakingly grown from pieces of the Great Overlord himself. They trained to be great warriors, capable of defeating their enemies, the Sponges. The overlord smiled as he watched his hot pink underlings hard at work forging weapons and battle armor. _Soon,_ he thought. _Soon they would be ready to do war…_  
The sky darkened outside as the Starfish Overlord let out a string of maniacal laughter. Deep in the dungeons below him, Spong fought to keep alive.


	4. Spong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh yeah we really have no excuse for any of this

Each day passed slowly for Spong. They blurred into a mass of pain, boredom, terror and more pain. Each morning started with a rude awakening, as his captors slapped him awake from where he lay shivering in his dank cell. Once he had been torn cruelly out of his shallow and troubled slumber, he was dragged to the torture chamber. There he was beaten, his cells were clipped from various sensitive parts of his body, he was humiliated and put down. He never saw the Starfish Overlord, but he saw too much of his Starfish Guard underlings. They were a cruel lot, and they took evil pleasure in making Spong’s life painful and dark. After several hours of him refusing to break under their torture, he was returned to his cell and fed a meager lunch of slop. Once he made the mistake of asking what was in the gruel, and received no answer beside jeers and a boot to the face. After his disgusting meal, he was returned to the torture chamber where the Starfish Guards continued to try and fail to extract valuable information from him. At the end of the every day of soul-rending agony, he was returned to his slimy and dark cell, and left to nurse his wounds and try to regain some spirit. Spong was slowly, but surely, cracking under the stress.  
This day was no better than the last. He awoke to stinging slaps to his face and a guard shouting “Wake up, yellow sponge pig!”  
He was dragged into the interrogation room where he was greeted by the sight of an ugly Starfish Guard polishing a machete. Behind the guard on a table lay a series of twisted metal torture devices, some rusty and filthy, others shiny and intimidating in their newness. His stomach churned with horrified anticipation.  
“Hey there, scum,” said the Starfish Guard. “I’ll be your torturer for today. May I interest you in some mild laceration? Or if that’s not quite to your taste, I have a new brand I wouldn’t mind trying out.” Spong said nothing. He wouldn’t give the Guard the satisfaction of seeing his fear. “Oh… That’s right,” jeered the Guard. “You’re just a stinking piece of worthless sponge. You don’t get a say in what we do to you! I can use the brand and the machete, if I want!” He smirked, vicious pleasure written all over his doughy mauve face.  
Spong was forced into the torture chair, the iron bands keeping him in place a cold reminder that his life sucked ass. He closed his eyes as the Guard picked up the machete, and tried to forget about the pain he was about to endure. _Must… Stay… Strong…_ were his last thoughts before the knife descended and his world dissolved once more into blood-curdling agony.


	5. Starfish Overlord

The Starfish Overlord sat brooding in his throne, the low light casting his bloated yet handsome face into dramatic shadows . There was something wrong, and he didn’t know what it was. He had no reason to be upset at all. His conquest was going well. He had already destroyed the Sponge’s pathetic “heaven” and was well on his way to destroying the homeland of his enemy species. And yet... There was something not quite right, an odd feeling deep in his central disc. His great prize, Spong the Enforcer... The Overlord had been so elated to capture such a powerful part of Sponge Legend. He had sent a message to all of Spongekind: Even your strongest is weak before the power of the Starfish Empire. The plan had been simple. Torture the truth out of Spong and then lay waste to the secret lands of his species. But Spong was not cooperating. Even though every day his screams echoed through the palace, he still refused to crack. It was frustrating, of course, but the Overlord admitted that he had respect the tenacity of this one sponge, so much smaller and weaker than he, but yet with such incredible life force and strength. He found himself once again lost in thoughts of the brave sponge. He quickly slapped his face a few times, warning his mind to get a hold of itself. _It’s perfectly natural to think about him like this,_ he thought. _He is my enemy and I need to scheme to break him._ Suddenly, he had an idea. _Yes! That’s it! That’s how I can beat him!_


End file.
